Perseverance

Perseverance... is for when it is hard.

This is one of the lessons of my last few years of living.  I have learned it well, and not because I have succeeded, but because I have failed.  God took me on a journey, stripped me of things that founded my faith besides Him - ideologies, good ideas, areas of my life I thought God would never touch if He really loved me - those have been shaken.  And in the midst of it all I wondered if the plans God had for my life were really full of a future of hope.  I wondered if I was a pawn that only purposed to serve those He really loved.  I believed I was a concubine in the house of my Lord, and not His bride.  I believed I was somehow excluded from His blessings.  I wondered if He was good.  I doubted the promises of His Word when I looked through the glasses of my experience.  On so many levels I failed to hold fast to His promises, and to Him.  I did not persevere - yet in it all I knew He never let me go, though I came close to letting go of Him.

The book of Proverbs talks about the temptress.  She masks herself as wisdom but her goal is to destroy those who love God.  It says that all who were slain by her were strong.  She is presented as an adulteress, but I doubt that adultery is the only trick in the bag.  I don't know what line she is using to get you down the stairs into her house, but I know the one she used on me was far less complex that I would have suspected.  She had been drawing me in a long time before I got to the stairwell of her house... by the time I was at her door, I already believed the lies.  By grace, I am climbing up the stairs of that house, back into the streets, searching for the real voice of wisdom and not the mimic whose lies set us up to be destroyed.

Most of the time, I try to write these posts so that anyone can understand them.  I know that this one has more "Christianese" than what is normal.  But today it is directed towards those who once loved God, those who are wondering if He really loves them, those holding on by a thread, those who have already let go, and above all for those in the midst of a dark and faraway place, whose life with God is nothing of the promises they had expected right now.  Hold on dear soldiers of Jesus Christ... Perseverance is for when it's hard.  Perseverance is for when there is no tangible reason to believe.  Perseverance is an act of the will, and sometimes every other facet of your being is telling you to stop and give in.  If you feel forgotten, if God seems silent, if your dreams have just been shattered, if your spirit is broken - hold on to Him!  Yes, it is really hard... it may be the form of betrayal, or sadness, or hurt, or ridicule, loneliness or neglect, a big life changing impact or a slow grating of events that would be insignificant on their own - whatever the case, the events have been specifically crafted to make you fall... your set of circumstances may not be unbearable for someone else, but they touch you to the depths of your heart.  Take courage friend, and continue to stand.

If you have let go, doubted, disbelieved, or wallowed... there is redemption.  Even those ashes will arise beauty... His good will overcome the evil.  His plans for you are good.  He will not leave nor forsake you.  He is able to do abundantly more than we could ask or think.  He is who He says He is.

"... our course is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our enemies will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."  Uncle Screwtape, from the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis.  (The Screwtape letters is a fictional book of letters from Screwtape to his nephew, teaching him how to be a good demon and keep people away from the love of God.)

Porcupine

I saw him on the grass as I was biking home in the twilight... a porcupine.  He (she?) was on the grass right off of the trail.  We both stopped what we were doing and stared at each other.  I'm sure the blinking lights on my bike were mesmerizing... he let out a sound.  I had never heard a porcupine sound before.  Like a crazy person, I talked to him... told him I was thankful to have gotten to see him tonight, that I was glad that being out later-than-intended had met with this great reward, and I told him that Jesus made him.  He replied by using his back feet to scratch his belly and his chest, then he bumbled away. First he tried to climb up an evergreen tree.  His forelegs held on to the lowest branch while his back legs scuffled the bark trying to get some traction.  No luck.  After about a minute he gave up... scratched again, let out another sound.  Then he bumbled along towards me, then veered off onto the trail and walked out of sight.  Now I was the one mesmerized watching him... I stayed until he was completely out of sight.  Though I have seen some great porcupines in the wild before, I had never had quite this kind of variety show before.  It was delightful.

So why was I so excited about a moaning, awkward, non-tenacious creature like this?  To understand my thrill, you must understand something else.  My parents had a pet porcupine before I was born.  Albert was found as a baby, starving in the garden.  My dad, always kind to animals, nursed him back to health with patience and gentleness.  In return Albert looked to my dad as his mother.  So, having heard those stories from forever, I've always had a special place for the little critters, even though I almost never saw one in the wild when I was growing up.  Then, in the days after my dad died, a porcupine hung around the farm.  And it reminded me of the goodness and kindness and gentleness in my dad.  It also reminded me of the kindness of another Father, whom I believe gave the porcupine as a gift to our family in those most difficult of days.  Evidence that even if it was a long time ago, something special and unique and happy happened in our lives... and a wonderful memory was born.

So now, spotting a porcupine gives me a thankful nostalgia, for the father who loved a starving little critter back to life, and another Father who fervently does the same.  

Spring

Let me tell you about a typical Canadian "spring" day I experienced.  Walked to school in the sunshine; walked home in a snowstorm... but the sun was still shining.  On the way home I saw both a (yes, a - single, one) car covered in snow (all others weren't), and the first tinge of green in the partially snow covered grass.  A typically Albertan Spring day... winter and summer, dying and living, both alive in the same moment.  To those not from here, it seems impossible.    

Spring has been hard coming this year in Alberta... unseasonably cold with lots of snow (For emphasis, I'm still working on this post April 14th and we got another dump of snow today... and again now that it's the 24th).  In fact, it can be hard to believe that Spring is coming at all.  But I have faith that it is coming, for spring has followed every winter that has come before.  Because of this faith, I can see signs everywhere that winter is about to give way to new life.  I see it in longer days, buds forming on dead branches, and grass that offers a tinge of colour.  I can even see it in big wet snowflakes.   All circumstances further strengthen my hope because every minute sign announcing spring's arrival is met with anticipation, and these sightings in turn build my faith that it will be here soon.  It is a wonderful positive feedback system.

However, it's made me think ... I wish that I believed in God the way that I believe in Spring.

The truth is, He is more impending than the seasons, more reliable than the sun, and more faithful than the birds that return year after year.  

Though I feel the exploration of this idea is far from finished, I also feel like it's time to post anyways... But I do want to say that I am thankful for a Son that shines in the storms.

It's a long one...

Scroll to Feb. 18th if you're looking for something new...

Waxed

Does anyone out there still know what the slang "waxed" means?  As in "this morning I totally waxed outside of my building".  Apparently it's old school... just wondering how many people can still remember what it means.  The new word is "biffed" incase anyone's interested.  

Epiphany

Not as the world gives, I give to you... this is one of God's promises to those of this earth.  To be honest, there are times when I struggle with that... when the world's promises seem so good. More specifically, worldly promises that thread truth though them, enough to make me forget that they're not quite God's.  The world's promises are intriguing; they don't live in the land of black and white, as they are too artfully crafted to exist without shades to deepen them.  And - adding to their complexity - they are not completely wrong.

Another one of God's promises is that we will reap what we sow.  It is stated strongly in the Bible, and emphasizes that God will not be mocked.  Our behaviours will catch up with us, both the seen and the unseen.  We won't get away with anything.  On the flip side, the Bible also alludes to blessing those who do good.  So doesn't it just make sense then that how we live wills into our lives good and evil, joy and pain?  God gave man freewill, and from that freewill we make choices.  Doesn't it go without saying that those choices lure into our lives blessings or curses?  

I've had conversations lately with all sorts of people, all sorts of backgrounds, all sorts of beliefs, and spanning these beliefs is a similar idea: whatever you give to the world is what you will get back.  It's packaged with a variety of words, has different spiritual views and philosophies, but essentially the same.  Isn't that what I believe?  Didn't those other faiths and good people borrow that concept from the Bible?

I wanted to accept that logic easily, but I was torn.  Wasn't this philosophy essentially of reaping what you sow?  So why wasn't it sitting right in the deepest part of me?  I went to ask God about it... and His answer was a revelation.  He brought me back to the basics of who He is and what He's doing in people's lives.  I must confess the context for our conversation was me complaining to God that I feel like I sow more than I reap.

What He said to me was: "I'm not trying to make it up to you."  

Those words blossomed an epiphany.  He is not karma-Jesus. 

There is a freedom that comes in understanding that God's blessings aren't dependent on me. Maybe, if I dig deeper, I will find that "blessing" doesn't have the same definition in His dictionary as it does in mine.  I think "fun, easy, effortless"; like people being nice to me, finding money on the sidewalk, and completely perfect health.  It's not that those things aren't good... but I believe God thinks deeper; more like "growth, perseverance, courage".  So He creates opportunities to live well through adversity, be vulnerable, and learn to forgive. Circumstances we would "will" into our lives cannot bear such fruit.

To be clear, I'm not suggesting that God doesn't reward faithfulness; I'm just saying He doesn't owe us what we want.  It is important to remember that the Bible tells us that He loves us... has a future and a hope for us, full of good and not evil.  The Bible says that all of our needs are met in Him... and even that He delights in giving us good things.  But be cautious believing the image the world wishes was Him - that He is rushing about heaven, trying to orchestrate more good events than are bad.  He is not weighing the nice acts I've done and making sure the equivalent is returned to me in nice things back.  Karma-Jesus doesn't exist; Savior, redeemer, hope-future-plan-for-you Jesus does.  Not as the world gives He gives to you.    

Burned

Though I usually write about events that have actually happened, today is going to be a bit of a thought rabbit trail.  It begins with fact, moves quickly to fiction, and ends in philosophy. Sound facinating?  OK then, let's start...

Fact:  I was gone from my house for over an hour yesterday - and left a candle burning.  This is especially bad because I have one Nugs who lost her whiskers to same said candle a couple of years ago. When I got home, visions of potential disaster flitted through my head.  Such as...

Fiction:  The house burned down, or in the least was very damaged.  Though it would be an opportunity to meet the local fire department, I would feel like a tool (not fiction).  Next thought: "What do I need to do to make sure that NEVER happens?"  Several factors contributed to the house (potentially) burning down, so several options exist that could break the cycle of possibility. Such as...

1. Take a look around before leaving... write myself a note on the door if I have to - "blow out candle" - so that I'll do just that.

2. Never EVER buy a candle again... crazy dangerous things!  How could I have been so stupid to have been enticed to buy a candle in the first place?  I can never be trusted with a candle again.  It wouldn't be right to forgive myself and as penance I'll subject myself to this punishment.

3. Never EVER light a candle again - even though I love them... maybe I should expand this to include birthday candles - because look where it almost got me!  

4. Get rid of the Nugs.  The candle itself was in a safe container in a safe place - only she could cause this disaster - it would be HER fault!  Make her pay! (in advance...)

5. Change?  Meh... nothing happened.  Who cares?

Philosophizing:  Most of those options are extreme, I know... but here's the thing: don't we take similar routes for other bad choices we've made in the past?  Don't we overcompensate for past experiences to make SURE we will never be hurt like that again, and blame ourselves, deprive ourselves, and mistrust ourselves?  Do we blame others - even before we know them - just because they COULD hurt us; and if they do it would be our own stupid fault.  Or maybe we strengthen our resilience to believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with ME and the choices I've made... and then repeat dangerous and hurtful habits just to prove to ourselves those offenses didn't really matter.

So I left a candle burning.  It could have been bad, and I need to make sure it doesn't happen again.  But the HOW is really important.  A lot of ways of prevention are arsonists to our souls. Yes the past can burn us, but we're the ones who pick at it and don't let it heal... there is a better Way.