How He loves us so.

He is jealous for me

Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory

and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so

Oh, how He loves us

How He loves us so. (x2)

Yeah, He loves us

Whoa, how He loves us

Whoa, how He loves us

Whoa, how He loves. (x2)

We are His portion and He is our prize,

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

He loves us,

Whoa, how He loves us

Whoa, how He loves us

Whoa, how He loves us so

Been loving this song lately... makes me think about what that really means - God loving us. How does that play out in real life? How should it affect my understanding of God? How would He lead me with His love? How does He want to satiate me with His love? How does He want me to delight in His love? I am perplexed and I am amazed when I wonder about it all.

This song was written by John Mark McMillan the morning after his best friend was killed in a car accident. It tells the story of that friend coming into the presence of God on the other side of eternity. Neither his afflictions nor regrets hold him back from fully receiving the love God has for him.

I wonder sometimes about how much that heaven can be lived on earth. There will definitely be MORE of that realization in heaven, face to face with the One who loves us so. But on earth, He has given us enough that we should not lack any good thing. I don't understand the magnitude of all that it means... even now I've typed and erased several lines in attempting to sum up His abundance for us on earth; but it's too much for me to understand. So for now, in the midst of wanting to understand more, I'm simply going to enjoy the truth therin. May it touch your heart to its deepest parts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AIF_ieVre0&feature=related

English 101

Synonyms are words that mean the same thing but are spelled differently. Following examples are things that do not mean the same thing but we often want to believe they do. (And yes, in example 1 the word is also spelled the same way... if you are staunch about synonyms, please forgive me ;) )

1 - Fear of God and fear of anything else. Often we are "led" by our fears. Fear of failure; fear of rejection; fear of the unknown; fear of pain; fear of being like Ezekiel (a very odd prophet of the Old Testament.) In this case, fear and fear do not mean the same thing. They are opposite roads that don't travel in the same direction. One is the road to easy living; the other to fullness of life. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom. Any other kind of fear is not.

2 - Wisdom and Reasoning. These are not always opposites, but it is important to seek the Lord for every new thing. Situations are not cookie-cutter... solutions aren't either. So often it is a pseudo-wisdom that leads away from fearing God and towards wisdom of men reasoning the circumstances. Man's wisdom is paralyzing or distracting. God's wisdom leads us in the way that we should go.

3 - Rest and Sloth. For 2 years now, I know that God has been leading me into a place of physical rest. Sleeping regular hours, limiting commitments, making room for Him in my life. Really teaching me about the consequences of unnecessary busyness. Having often lived in disobedience to this command, let me tell you that rest and sloth are not the same. If you want to know how to pray for me, this is it. I hate wasting time and I am presupposed to wasting time... it is a cyclic battle I fight most days.

4 - Joy and Happiness. The difference was described to me as "Happiness depends on happenings; but joy is what remains when there are no reasons to be happy". At the same time, I believe that God wants us to be happy, because He loves us. But He can give the miracle of joy in an absence of reasons to be happy.

5 - Peace and Complacency. Doubt, guilt, and regret can all survive in a harmonious atmosphere. Peace can survive anywhere.

6 - Hope and Wishing. Hope does not disappoint. Wishing sometimes does. As a dreamer and a visionary, I struggle with this often. I forget to reserve my hope for God alone. I don't know how to balance believing in people but not hoping in them, but think this is something He wants to teach me more about.

7 - Faith and Freedom - Where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom. And that LORD is with us wherever we go. So whether it's a physical place or a circumstance, it's important to have our hearts in a clear conscience towards the God who has given us freedom and is with us wherever we go. This is so very different from using faith as a license to sin, under the auspices of the freedom He has given us. It's not so much the where as it is the heart.

So there's English 101. Pretty basic stuff. Here's praying for fear, wisdom, rest, joy, peace, hope and faith to each of you!

Not even this...

They can be moments; they can be seasons; they can seem like lifetimes. They are the seconds, the minutes, the hours, that we spend wishing away. They are most likely difficult, uncomfortable, or seem empty. They may be wished away because of what we convince ourselves is "hope" for better in the future... then things will be really good. In those places, we don't want now - we want then. Sometimes "then" is past, and other times it is future. Now becomes nothing more than the product of the past and the means to the future... and that future -if we let ourselves - we will spend wishing away too.

My lesson on this front came in the middle of the night shift. Now, if you are a shift worker, or a parent, or a myriad of other vocations that leave you unwillingly sleep deprived, you will understand what I mean by exhaustion. Your body begs you to sleep; your mind concurs; your everything is weak. And it was in the middle of a night shift, coming into anticipated days off, that I heard God speak to me about time. "Not even this..." He said... "not even this should you wish away." Don't wish for a faster passing of time to get to your bed. Don't wish even this long, dreary, and difficult time away.

That early morning He gave me the gift of being able to see the temporal things around me, that I need to cherish in that moment; place of life stuff. You can insert your own blessings here, but mine included: nieces young; family in good health; a body that is still good to me; good friends in close proximity; little heartache. So many blessings; so much to be thankful for. All things that will be lost eventually in the passing of time. All seasons that will pass away someday. All things that I need to treasure more. That is what now is for.

Love it more

I'm back in school these days... settling back into routine... sleeping regular hours again... getting ready for another bout into what, once again, feels like my "new" life (though it's already been 9 months). I started this post months ago, back in July, when my new life was much like my old life in some ways. Working back at my old job in dispatch for the summer was the same. Commuting was different. It was a time in my life when I was thinking a lot about the things I love to do; the things that remind me who I am... and thinking about how my life was too busy & I was too tired to be involved in them. That stage of life did not cater to hiking trips and leisurely summer days. The stage I'm in now does not contribute well to experiencing the world outside of this city. And though I have a few WONDERFUL friends here, my life isn't as socially connected with games nights, a group, a sense of social belonging as it once was... long long ago now it seems.

It was in the midst of the mourning and the wishing that I understood... whatever remains, I must love more. What are the remnants in this city life; this student's budget; this place in life... what that I love is still alive in this place? I can't replace anything; not the mountains, not the laughter in the games nights, not the vulnerability of our Bible study group, not the long summer nights on the dock with the silence and the stars, not the deep friendships nor opportunities He has afforded me in different places of the world. I am here now. And with every shred of my being I need to love it more... and love it now.

As I write this, I am so sure of the fact that I am known... God has not forgotten me. He knows what delights me; He remembers what makes my heart rejoice, even when I am unsure or have forgotten. Those things I will discover in this place, or whatever place He takes me to in the months and years ahead. This post is not to sound forlorn... but an encouragement that wherever we are there is more than enough: to delight your heart; to make your soul rejoice; to give you new eyes in the same circumstances. The Lord your God is with you wherever you go... or wherever you stay.

Hypothetically...

 Hypothetically speaking... has anyone ever had their armpit(s) froth after a run (or other sweaty activity)?  I am (hypothetically) suspecting that the shirt I was (hypothetically) wearing didn't have all the soap washed out of it.  Just wondering if, (hypothetically), this has ever happened to anyone else?  Frothy armpit(s) on a run, anyone?

Embarrassed

It was only a handful of coins... about $4 worth, I think.  You know, the ones at the bottom of your purse or your pocket that clink when you walk and you dig through every now and then for exact change.  Maybe organized people even save them and roll them once in a while, I don't know.

This morning in church they took the monthly benevolent offering.  Money specifically for those in our church who don't have enough for the basics.  When they made the announcement, my heart was prompted to give, but when I reached for my wallet it wasn't there... it was at home.  So I remembered the change pocket and thought about it, but when it came down to the swirl of activity of offering plates and awkwardness, the change I was holding in my hand didn't make it in.

Do you want to know why?  Bottom line: because I was embarrassed.  Embarrassed of a handful of change, of the sound it would make, of what it would look like to put coins in a plate filled with paper.  I justified it all the way home, "it's only a few dollars; God knows your heart and that you wanted to give; you'll give another time" kind of talk.  But you know, God prompted me to give today... and so that means with whatever was in my hand today.  

I wonder what He wanted to do with it... maybe buy me some faith?  I am hoping today will service to give me courage for next time - to look more outwardly than inwardly, and not be embarrassed about what I've been given to give.

Perseverance

Perseverance... is for when it is hard.

This is one of the lessons of my last few years of living.  I have learned it well, and not because I have succeeded, but because I have failed.  God took me on a journey, stripped me of things that founded my faith besides Him - ideologies, good ideas, areas of my life I thought God would never touch if He really loved me - those have been shaken.  And in the midst of it all I wondered if the plans God had for my life were really full of a future of hope.  I wondered if I was a pawn that only purposed to serve those He really loved.  I believed I was a concubine in the house of my Lord, and not His bride.  I believed I was somehow excluded from His blessings.  I wondered if He was good.  I doubted the promises of His Word when I looked through the glasses of my experience.  On so many levels I failed to hold fast to His promises, and to Him.  I did not persevere - yet in it all I knew He never let me go, though I came close to letting go of Him.

The book of Proverbs talks about the temptress.  She masks herself as wisdom but her goal is to destroy those who love God.  It says that all who were slain by her were strong.  She is presented as an adulteress, but I doubt that adultery is the only trick in the bag.  I don't know what line she is using to get you down the stairs into her house, but I know the one she used on me was far less complex that I would have suspected.  She had been drawing me in a long time before I got to the stairwell of her house... by the time I was at her door, I already believed the lies.  By grace, I am climbing up the stairs of that house, back into the streets, searching for the real voice of wisdom and not the mimic whose lies set us up to be destroyed.

Most of the time, I try to write these posts so that anyone can understand them.  I know that this one has more "Christianese" than what is normal.  But today it is directed towards those who once loved God, those who are wondering if He really loves them, those holding on by a thread, those who have already let go, and above all for those in the midst of a dark and faraway place, whose life with God is nothing of the promises they had expected right now.  Hold on dear soldiers of Jesus Christ... Perseverance is for when it's hard.  Perseverance is for when there is no tangible reason to believe.  Perseverance is an act of the will, and sometimes every other facet of your being is telling you to stop and give in.  If you feel forgotten, if God seems silent, if your dreams have just been shattered, if your spirit is broken - hold on to Him!  Yes, it is really hard... it may be the form of betrayal, or sadness, or hurt, or ridicule, loneliness or neglect, a big life changing impact or a slow grating of events that would be insignificant on their own - whatever the case, the events have been specifically crafted to make you fall... your set of circumstances may not be unbearable for someone else, but they touch you to the depths of your heart.  Take courage friend, and continue to stand.

If you have let go, doubted, disbelieved, or wallowed... there is redemption.  Even those ashes will arise beauty... His good will overcome the evil.  His plans for you are good.  He will not leave nor forsake you.  He is able to do abundantly more than we could ask or think.  He is who He says He is.

"... our course is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our enemies will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."  Uncle Screwtape, from the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis.  (The Screwtape letters is a fictional book of letters from Screwtape to his nephew, teaching him how to be a good demon and keep people away from the love of God.)