Epiphany

Not as the world gives, I give to you... this is one of God's promises to those of this earth.  To be honest, there are times when I struggle with that... when the world's promises seem so good. More specifically, worldly promises that thread truth though them, enough to make me forget that they're not quite God's.  The world's promises are intriguing; they don't live in the land of black and white, as they are too artfully crafted to exist without shades to deepen them.  And - adding to their complexity - they are not completely wrong.

Another one of God's promises is that we will reap what we sow.  It is stated strongly in the Bible, and emphasizes that God will not be mocked.  Our behaviours will catch up with us, both the seen and the unseen.  We won't get away with anything.  On the flip side, the Bible also alludes to blessing those who do good.  So doesn't it just make sense then that how we live wills into our lives good and evil, joy and pain?  God gave man freewill, and from that freewill we make choices.  Doesn't it go without saying that those choices lure into our lives blessings or curses?  

I've had conversations lately with all sorts of people, all sorts of backgrounds, all sorts of beliefs, and spanning these beliefs is a similar idea: whatever you give to the world is what you will get back.  It's packaged with a variety of words, has different spiritual views and philosophies, but essentially the same.  Isn't that what I believe?  Didn't those other faiths and good people borrow that concept from the Bible?

I wanted to accept that logic easily, but I was torn.  Wasn't this philosophy essentially of reaping what you sow?  So why wasn't it sitting right in the deepest part of me?  I went to ask God about it... and His answer was a revelation.  He brought me back to the basics of who He is and what He's doing in people's lives.  I must confess the context for our conversation was me complaining to God that I feel like I sow more than I reap.

What He said to me was: "I'm not trying to make it up to you."  

Those words blossomed an epiphany.  He is not karma-Jesus. 

There is a freedom that comes in understanding that God's blessings aren't dependent on me. Maybe, if I dig deeper, I will find that "blessing" doesn't have the same definition in His dictionary as it does in mine.  I think "fun, easy, effortless"; like people being nice to me, finding money on the sidewalk, and completely perfect health.  It's not that those things aren't good... but I believe God thinks deeper; more like "growth, perseverance, courage".  So He creates opportunities to live well through adversity, be vulnerable, and learn to forgive. Circumstances we would "will" into our lives cannot bear such fruit.

To be clear, I'm not suggesting that God doesn't reward faithfulness; I'm just saying He doesn't owe us what we want.  It is important to remember that the Bible tells us that He loves us... has a future and a hope for us, full of good and not evil.  The Bible says that all of our needs are met in Him... and even that He delights in giving us good things.  But be cautious believing the image the world wishes was Him - that He is rushing about heaven, trying to orchestrate more good events than are bad.  He is not weighing the nice acts I've done and making sure the equivalent is returned to me in nice things back.  Karma-Jesus doesn't exist; Savior, redeemer, hope-future-plan-for-you Jesus does.  Not as the world gives He gives to you.    

Burned

Though I usually write about events that have actually happened, today is going to be a bit of a thought rabbit trail.  It begins with fact, moves quickly to fiction, and ends in philosophy. Sound facinating?  OK then, let's start...

Fact:  I was gone from my house for over an hour yesterday - and left a candle burning.  This is especially bad because I have one Nugs who lost her whiskers to same said candle a couple of years ago. When I got home, visions of potential disaster flitted through my head.  Such as...

Fiction:  The house burned down, or in the least was very damaged.  Though it would be an opportunity to meet the local fire department, I would feel like a tool (not fiction).  Next thought: "What do I need to do to make sure that NEVER happens?"  Several factors contributed to the house (potentially) burning down, so several options exist that could break the cycle of possibility. Such as...

1. Take a look around before leaving... write myself a note on the door if I have to - "blow out candle" - so that I'll do just that.

2. Never EVER buy a candle again... crazy dangerous things!  How could I have been so stupid to have been enticed to buy a candle in the first place?  I can never be trusted with a candle again.  It wouldn't be right to forgive myself and as penance I'll subject myself to this punishment.

3. Never EVER light a candle again - even though I love them... maybe I should expand this to include birthday candles - because look where it almost got me!  

4. Get rid of the Nugs.  The candle itself was in a safe container in a safe place - only she could cause this disaster - it would be HER fault!  Make her pay! (in advance...)

5. Change?  Meh... nothing happened.  Who cares?

Philosophizing:  Most of those options are extreme, I know... but here's the thing: don't we take similar routes for other bad choices we've made in the past?  Don't we overcompensate for past experiences to make SURE we will never be hurt like that again, and blame ourselves, deprive ourselves, and mistrust ourselves?  Do we blame others - even before we know them - just because they COULD hurt us; and if they do it would be our own stupid fault.  Or maybe we strengthen our resilience to believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with ME and the choices I've made... and then repeat dangerous and hurtful habits just to prove to ourselves those offenses didn't really matter.

So I left a candle burning.  It could have been bad, and I need to make sure it doesn't happen again.  But the HOW is really important.  A lot of ways of prevention are arsonists to our souls. Yes the past can burn us, but we're the ones who pick at it and don't let it heal... there is a better Way.

Giving Directions

I'm in a new city... a new place... a whole new world.  And in that world today, as I was walking home from school, someone asked me for directions.  This man was not from here, had just come from Ft. Mac, didn't have enough money for the bus... he really needed to find the address on the location as soon as possible... he was looking for the Salvation Army.  He had already asked several people where to go, and got different answers from each one... his feet hurt... he was visibly tired... he needed rest.

Now I have been exploring the city a fair bit on foot, and when he showed me the address, I could see the problem - he was on the wrong side of the river.  You see, the river snakes through Edmonton, making certain avenues and almost every street appear on both sides.  My foot journey the other day had taken me to an address I thought not too far from the one this man was showing me.  So after several minutes, this gentleman was on his way, his gratitude evident, and he thanked me for taking the time to help him... "finally", he said, finally someone who steered him the right way.

On the way home, I thanked God for the opportunity to be involved in this man's journey today. I was glad that I was on that street corner at the same time; glad I could be helpful, useful, a blessing in this man's day.

It's 7 hours later now... and I just looked up the address on the map.  I sent him to the wrong side of the river.  In a sitcom, it would make a great episode; in real life it stinks.  A tired man, alone in a big city, looking for help, weary from his journey, was led astray. In his world, it doesn't matter what my intentions were, the reality is that I was just one more person who didn't help him get where he needed to go.  He has already suffered for my mistake.

Maybe this is dramatic.  By now, even with the detour, I would hope that he has been somewhere warm and safe and dry for a few hours; hopefully he is well fed and sleeping as I type.  But it has gotten me thinking about really knowing the directions - for the roads in the city or the roads in life.  When somebody asks, you've got to be sure.  I think I need to go and study the Map... 

Don't know what you got 'til it's gone

My new place of residence is adjacent to the Legislative grounds.  I've wanted to explore it ever since arriving here because of the beautiful lights on the trees as part of the Christmas decorations.  A skating rink (there all season) and ice sculptures complete the effect... it is a beautiful wonderland.  

Sunday evening an old and dear friend came to visit, and because the wonderland was calling to us, we ventured out in the cold to experience it.  Carpe it (pronounced Carp for us:)), as we would (and did) say.  Not only were the lights and the sculptures and the rink beautiful, but God threw lightly falling snow and a full moon into the package too... so rotic.  Though we were cold and a little wet by the time we got back to the apartment, we were so thankful that beauty is something that makes each of us rejoice inside.

I was even more thankful the next night walking home from school.  The lights were gone.  Had we not taken that perfect opportunity, there wouldn't have been any opportunity at all.  It got me thinking... what else in life is like that?  What is an opportunity today that may not be tomorrow?  What will be mourned if the chance is lost?

I believe the loss would be impactful in 2 ways.  The first is the obvious; the enjoyment of the experience.  It was so much fun to be there with a good friend and delight in the elements and the beauty.  We created another memory to cherish.  The second loss is more subtle; miss these opportunities too often, and you may forget that you loved them at all.  A beautiful park becomes no longer alluring, and is no longer a reminder of how you were made, and essentially of who you are.  It is the very matter regret is made of.  

So I don't know what opportunities are wavering for you this day, and certainly don't know when the window to use them will close.  But maybe, just maybe, you and I should consider carefully what is set before us.  Whichever way we choose, it will be life changing.

New Post

Hey Folks, 

New post, scroll down to Nov. 16th...

Check ya later, ST

Horses

I just want to say that there are 3 other posts I've been trying to write... picking away at... writer's block I guess, has kept them from being posted. So in the future when you check in, you may have to check back to see anything new. I'm not techie enough to change the dates, and even if I could, I don't think I'd want to... the chronology is important to me. OK, now on to "horses".

On one of the last days in Costa Rica, spending time with God, He showed me a picture of a horse. She was penned, snorting, wild, wary... eying suspiciously a man sitting on top of the wooden fence. He held a lasso; He wanted to tame her. She just wanted to be free.

Then the man spoke to her: "I will be out here everyday, letting you get used to me." Then I saw the horse as she was roaming the plains - no borders, no boundaries... and still the man was there, patiently watching her, biding his time. You see, He already has plans for her, and they will come to pass.

I didn't need the brain of a rocket scientist to understand that God was talking to me, about me... but I was surprised a few days later when He led me to an article about horses. The writer told about the virtues of a good battle horse... will go ahead without fear... trusts her rider... presses on with courage despite all signs of danger...

This is who He is training me to be. But until I am her, He will sit on the fence posts, follow me into the plains, letting me get used to Him. He is patient with my skittishness... He is gentle with my fear. Someday He will break me... someday He will ride me... and the day I succumb to this is the day I will be truly free.

Had the sun never left, I would have stayed forever.

I spent a couple of hours yesterday afternoon sitting by a river in rural Costa Rica. Unlike most of the other afternoons I've been here, there was no rain - just 25C, the sun, a breeze, and the beauty of the jungle all around us.
Warmth is a wonderful thing... one of the things I treasure and appreciate most, both literally and figuratively. I sat on a rock and read a book, soaking in the heat and loving every moment. All too soon, it was time to go and prepare for the darkness that would set in without warning... the equatorial sun is not like the northern sun; there is no twilight here. So I left the sun in it's empty sky, left the rock that was sharing its heat, left the river, the breeze, the birds, and butterflies... left the paradise of a perfect day.

That leaving was weeks ago now. Yesterday's leaving was of a different kind. I resigned my job of almost 6 years to go back to school. Why? Because I believe it's what God is asking me to do... the journey to bring me here has been rocky and humbling, but through it He is teaching me to believe how trustworthy He is.

When I first began working here, I came across a quote that said "one half of knowing what you want in knowing what you must give up to get it." It was impacting, and since then has remained in my file folder reminding me that someday I would need its advice. Yesterday was officially that day.

I don't know what my new city and new life will hold for me, or if it will be even close to what my logic surmises it will be. But I'm hoping that it will include warmth... maybe literally only from a space-heater and a blanket... but I'm hoping figuratively it will be an entity that will flood my being into my home and through my hands. I hope also it will be shared with me from those who will soon be part of my new life. And if it doesn't, I know that God is capable enough to keep me warm inside and towards others, for it is the way He is.

Figurative warmth can be like a memory you can recall like another place far far away. Closing your eyes you can remember how it felt, you know you were there, but only in memory is it alive... all evidence of today fails to reproduce it.

I am here now... in a 500 square foot apartment, with a cat, a laptop and the homework to make use of it.  It hasn't sunk in yet that this is to be my new life for a while.  Perhaps for a long while... But I am here now, as much as I was there at the fire hall, and as much as I sat on that rock on the edge of the river the day the sun was splendid in its perfect sky.  The delight of that moment is available here, somewhere... my job now is to find it.  So search for it I must... and I'll keep you posted on that journey.